ANALYSIS: STUCK INSIDE COVFEFE WITH THE COMEY DAY BLUES AGAIN
Leave it to Trump to blow the cover of a complex money laundering scheme on something so elementary as a demand for a loyalty oath. Did everyone sleep well after having their faith in democracy and the American way restored? Yeah right, just kidding. Did you at least enjoy the season finale? The best parts of yesterday’s Senate intelligence committee hearing with fired FBI Director James Comey was when he called the president a liar and did so many times and many different ways. Comey did what needed to be done which was suggest Trump had tried obstruct justice without making that judgment for us as Americans just love their own opinions so much! He also upheld the basic tenets, or lies, about American democracy right now, such as how theoretically before 2016 no foreign entity should influence the course of our debates. Comey wisely warned that this is just the beginning, they will be back if we do not mount a rigorous defense (hint: we’re not, the military is, well, sort of if it got this bad). He also said unequivocally that this was “an active measures campaign driven from the top of the government. No fuzz on that… It is not a close call. That happened.” Do not worry, that will not settle it for the millions of Americans on the left and the right so lost in the fog of conspiracy. Ultimately though, you walk away thinking the president behaved like a mob boss and no way on earth is he running multiple wars on multiple continents, there is just no way. But there is a castle, let’s call it the White House, on a cloud of corruption. Spoiler alert: highlights from next season include princeling Jared testifying against his Daddy-in-law and Aryan princess Champagne Popsicle turning on everyone.
IN CASE YOU PREFER YOUR NEWS AS LISTICLE: TIME’S FOUR TAKEAWAYS
TIME gives you your news as twenty first century news consumers and American bureaucrats across agencies like it – in listicle form and with no more than three to five items! Four! They have four! And if you like “Lordy!” in your speech there is number four for you! They are:
1) “Comey arranged for his own memo about Trump to be leaked”
2) “The special counsel will probably look at whether Trump obstructed justice”
3) “Comey felt pressured by Obama’s attorney general to downplay the Clinton investigation”
4) “‘Lordy,’ he’s not afraid of any tapes Trump has”
And because TRUMPISTAN WATCH is so good to you, here is our bonus, number five!
5) The former FBI Director is not, in his words, “Captain Courageous”
McCAIN LOST HIS MARBLES + NO ONE CARED IF MAYBE RUSSIANS DID THAT
During the course of the questioning by U.S. Senators, things went a little south when it came time for Senator John McCain’s questioning. Now given how screaming to the high heavens about Russia he has been, this was odd to say the least. More odd to TRUMPISTAN WATCH is that while millions of Americans have lost themselves in the weeds of conspiracy on the right and left alike at no point did a Russia conspiracy come out of this. It is as if we hold the Russians to different standards whereby they can be more human and barbarous at once, and foolishly many Americans find this approach meticulous because they themselves are like bulls in a china shop even as the Kremlin claims McCain is “Old World”. In any case, USA Today even says that McCain’s exchange with Comey “broke Twitter,” — but no, because just last week was the covfefe. According to USA Today, “The Arizona Republican spent most of his allotted time for questioning Comey to ask about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was secretary of State. But his questioning wasn’t exactly coming out in the most coherent manner.” At one point Comey said, “I’m a little confused, Senator.” Later McCain tried to clarify a bit, “What I was trying to get at was whether Mr. Comey believes that any of his interactions with the president rise to the level of obstruction of justice. In the case of Secretary Clinton’s emails, Mr. Comey was willing to step beyond his role as an investigator and state his belief about what ‘no reasonable prosecutor’ would conclude about the evidence. I wanted Mr. Comey to apply the same approach to the key questions surrounding his interactions with President Trump – whether or not the president’s conduct constitutes obstruction of justice.” He also blamed watching baseball late into the night. What!?! Remember when the moderate Republicans were supposed to save us? – Although reference was once made to many, it turns out there really is just one and he flubbed it for reasons that do not make sense. Well, cross that off. As we run out of institutions that you wish to pretend are left to save us, recall what is left is you, the citizens.
From USA Today.
POST-GAME SHOW: TWITLER QUIET AS LAWYER RELEASES STATEMENT
POLITICO reports, “President Donald Trump’s outside counsel on Thursday attacked former FBI Director James Comey for disclosing the content of memos he kept of his conversations with Trump and said the White House will let the authorities determine whether to investigate the ousted FBI chief.” Marc Kasowitz, Trump’s personal counsel, released “a statement following Comey’s testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee earlier Thursday that he ‘admitted’ to sharing the contents of the memos to a personal friend, who then leaked it to the press. It’s unclear if such a disclosure would be a violation.” During yesterday’s hearing, “Comey, who kept notes after his interactions with the president, told lawmakers that he shared memos with a friend, with the idea that such a disclosure could lead to a special prosecutor.” Leave it to Trump to blow a complex money laundering scheme on something so elementary as a loyalty oath. Did he never watch a single film about Nixon? He did not even have to read. Comey shared the memo with a friend so as to not feed the seagulls – the media – parked at the end of his driveway himself. He also got out of town. Media circuses that drag the family in are what every public official dreams of! Kasowitz also stupidly claims, “Of course, the Office of the President is entitled to expect loyalty from those who are serving in an administration,” because the loyalty is not to the man (never been a woman, probably never will be a woman), but to the office and the constitution, e.g. the nation, which is supposedly greater than Trump, but nowadays we must ask the uncomfortable question: is it really?
TRUMP’S FBI DIRECTOR PICK HAS RUSSIA TIES BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES
USA Today has a headline that sexes up the reality a wee bit, “Donald Trump’s new FBI director pick has Russian ties of his own,” because he works for a firm, King + Spalding, that has represented Rosneft and Gazprom, the Russian mafia state energy giants. However, USA Today cannot point to whether Wray worked on any cases for these clients or related cases. The firm has 800 attorneys and like most major global white shoe law firms not everything that touches it makes everyone infected. Of course both Rosneft and Gazprom are very close to the Russian mafia state as in they are instruments of it and if he has worked on either account, this should fully derail his hopes of ever becoming the director of the FBI and surviving long enough in these political winds to be destroyed by Trump instead. However, the fact that he would even agree to a nomination process at this time suggests this deserves much greater scrutiny. Congress, are you listening? Many of you are awake now, we know.
From USA Today.
THE STUPID IS ALIVE + WELL IN CONGRESS + SOON CHAIRING OVERSIGHT
POLITICO reports, the Republican Steering Committee has opted to have Trey “Benghazi” Gowdy lead the House oversight committee after Jason Chaffetz steps down from Congress mid-summer, allegedly citing a “mid-life crisis,” but probably to get the hell out of dodge before shit really hits the fan. Gowdy is a lifelong tool with very little intellect who has gone from an endless crusade against the Clintons over Benghazi to stonewalling all truth concerning Trump and Russia, usually through frivolous, time wasting questions that cost the taxpayer dearly. It is unclear whether Gowdy himself may have some Russia ties or something to hide or whether he is the classic useful idiot who need not be coerced into doing everything Moscow could dream of. “The move — if confirmed by the full Republican Conference — would put the South Carolina Republican at the helm of a contentious probe into President Donald Trump’s decision to fire FBI Director James Comey,” POLITICO notes, which is exactly where anybody who desires the truth would not like to see him.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TWUMP PWESIDENCY: MAKE BIG TRUCK GO HONK HONK
The Washington Post has a story today, “Trump keeps pretending his infrastructure plan is real. It’s not.” The editors paired it with a choice photo from what can easily be described as the highlight of the Trump presidency to date, that time the lunatic toddler make big truck go honk honk while his health care overhaul (a plot to rob millions of Americans of their health care) was failing in Congress and top advisors Aryan princess Ivanka and princeling Jared were off skiing on “family spring break”. Moving onto the first paragraph lede of the story: “President Trump’s “$1 trillion infrastructure plan” isn’t $1 trillion and it isn’t a plan. It’s a $200 billion plan to have a plan that hasn’t advanced beyond that stage for six months now.” Really this is all happening, has happened and is continuing to happen as in none of it is actually real but the pageantry of fakery. Remember when Aryan princess said Daddy would “over deliver”? About that… She may have lied and exaggerated too.
From The Washington Post.
REMEMBER WHEN JOHN KERRY WENT WINDSURFING?
Evidently Kerry’s crime was to put a wind on his surf. The Daily Mail for whatever reason has pictures of Trump’s first ousted National Security Advisor Michael Flynn surfing from a few days ago. In case you ever wanted to see Michael Flynn in a wet suit, because let’s face it unless waterboarding is your particular fetish, why on earth would you? The Daily Mail has you covered nonetheless! Yeah, ew, TRUMPISTAN WATCH knows, but we do this every weekday to save you hours and you should at least be grateful and prepared to commiserate fully from time to time. This is barely safe for work, adolescent and children’s eyes, oh who is kidding who? It is a train wreck. Enjoy!
From The Daily Mail.
—–RADIO MOSCOW: STORIES FROM THEIR PRESS AND OURS—–
IN CASE YOU HAVE NOT HAD ENOUGH OF REALITY YET
Guess who is getting a show on Russian state-run RT? No not Uday or Qusay and everyone knows Aryan princess or Champagne Popsicle Ivanka is too vanilla for anything other than home shopping. Wait for it… Why it’s “Jesse Ventura, the former Navy SEAL turned professional wrestler who eventually became Minnesota’s governor,” according to The Washington Post. Is it not enough for the Russians to co-opt the Republican Party, drag both the Republican Party and then the country from the back of the truck, now they have to play Nickelback real loudly too while they do all that? These Russians, they have no humanity. This is pure sadistic barbarism. Evidently the Russian reality TV propaganda “episodes will capture ‘the feeling of freedom,’ Ventura said in a promotional video for the program, which showed him zooming down an isolated road atop a motorcycle, wearing a sleeveless leather jacket.” TRUMPISTAN WATCH will allow for motorcycles but seriously, sleeveless? Who wants to see the dood’s underarms? Some humanity, please. Oh wait, appealing to Russia, none will be given. Let’s hope viewers enjoy that feeling and then promptly forget they ever had it by the time it comes for them to march to the gulag by way of Cyrillic mental slavery or else they will be so very unhappy when they are too dead to realize what a terrible, horrific hoax this all was. Curtain on The Stupid for now, until Monday! You will never change the channel on America, never!
From The Washington Post.
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